you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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