So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize