My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
