I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
