how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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