I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
