Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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