He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Randomize
