i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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