I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
