Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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