You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize