I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he thought i was a dude.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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