KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
