apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
My underwear smells like fireworks.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
