I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
