Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
