Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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