If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
