i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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