Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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