No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
