It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
