I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
