that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
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Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
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She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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