Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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