Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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