The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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