I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
