Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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