ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
