Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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