nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
