the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
