I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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