you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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