I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
