we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
