were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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