Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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