Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
