I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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