Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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