what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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