i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
