I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
