Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I have already put on my inside pants.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
