Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
