Your face is a jimmy john
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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