so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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