I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
