so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
