I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
