y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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