I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
