peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
