How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
