Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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