I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
